Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 Read online

  Tuesday 16 September - ‘Seedlings’ class Mums coffee morning. Venue TBA

  Saturday 20 September - ‘Seedlings’ Parents dinner. ‘The Orangery’ 8pm

  Tuesday 28 October - Charity quiz night. Tickets £30 each. Please donate generously on the night.

  Saturday 15 November - Christmas Fair. Volunteers and raffle prizes needed - so far we only have 2 week skiing trip, crate of vintage Moët, Opera box and 2 pairs of Manolo Blahniks

  Wednesday 10 December - Christmas Concert / Mulled wine.

  Saturday 13 December - Christmas Ball. Tickets £250 per couple.

  “Phew, Libby! Quite a social life down at Manor House.”

  Don’t think I answered her. I was too busy totting up the cost of the tickets, mentally flicking through my charity shop wardrobe and wondering if I could get away with donating a batch of My God’s ‘Moist Muffins’ to the raffle.

  Tuesday 13th May

  Fenella, the mum we met in the park, phoned today and said that she and her husband Josh would like to invite us for dinner this weekend. “It won’t be anything fancy.” She said. “And I can fully understand if you’re booked already. We can always make another date if that would suit you better.”

  Looking back, she sounded as unsure of herself as I usually feel and I found myself liking her even more for it. Agreed to go to their swanky mews at 8 on Saturday.

  Mrs Sengupta popped in briefly to let me know that her “beautiful but divorced son, Pritesh” would be coming for lunch on Saturday and would I like to join them. “Oh, Libbybeta” (her term of endearment), “My Pritesh is so much better suited to you than your Neddy-Man and you are perfect daughter-in-law. I am very much hoping that one day you will see the light.”

  Thank goodness Ned can see the funny side of Mrs Sengupta’s matchmaking or we’d be in the divorce courts before you could say “Chicken Tikka Massala”.

  Took the opportunity, while Max was painting a picture of the dog he still wants, to start drawing up a list of things I need to do.

  PLAN OF ACTION

  Buy school uniform - check eBay first.

  Label all uniform - can’t afford to lose any at those prices.

  Organise my wardrobe into sections - cool ‘Drop-off Mum’, chic ‘Coffee Mum’, ‘Cocktail Mum’, ‘Volunteer Mum’, ‘School Ball Mum’ etc.

  Chuck all ‘Knackered & Broke Mum’ clothes and replace with above from either charity shops or eBay - try for designer only or good copies.

  Book hair appointment - need snazzy new cut and colour. Wonder if the grey I’m starting to develop qualifies me for ‘pensioners cut price Wednesday’? Ha!

  Do regular manicure and not just cuticle bashing and a coat of nude.

  Decide what to wear to Fenella and Josh’s. Possibly trendy jeans with cami and beaded cardie. Check if all clean and see if shoes need re-heeling.

  Check out Fenella and Josh Hunter-Barnes on web - always good to know who you’re dealing with.

  Buy expensive looking but cheap gift for Fenella - possibly pot plant? ‘Moist Muffins’ wrapped to look better than they actually are? Source Cath Kidston fabric maybe.

  Decide on date for F&J to come to us - if Saturday not disaster.

  If decided on date for F&J to come to us, must do new list of what we can do to make the house look more affluent - obviously at little or no cost. Easy!

  Start to experiment with more ‘MG’ recipes. Doesn’t do to rest on laurels and may need to be entertaining more soon.

  Enter all school social events into diary and pass dates on to Ned - don’t want to front up on my own.

  Think up new and tactful ways to make Mrs Sengupta realise that I’m not about to jump ship and abscond with Pritesh even if he does own “very successful emporium of white goods in Wembley”.

  Come up with less tactful and more blatant ways to make Pritesh himself realise I am not about to jump ship and abscond with him - the light in his admittedly gorgeous Bollywood eyes has been shining a little too brightly for my liking lately.

  Start thinking of ideas for Max’s birthday in August. Venue? Can’t have his new friends here! Price? Speak to Ned, after sex. Usually the best time to discuss financial outgoings.

  Have sex.

  Wednesday 14th May AM

  Felt quite exhausted after starting on my jobs yesterday so forgot to have sex last night. Still, it’s on the list so am sure we’ll get around to it eventually.

  Max is now insisting that he can hear a dog crying outside at night. This obsession is getting out of hand. Must look up solution on the web. Perhaps a toy one would help.

  Collected Max from nursery and took the tube to Harrods to get uniform. Couldn’t find any on eBay and, anyway, decided my conscience wouldn’t allow it. Max should always feel like an equal and he will go to school looking his best.

  Felt quite posh walking through Knightsbridge and window-shopping. Just the smell of Harrods’ perfumery department made me feel posh! Very tempted to buy some fancy goods in the Food Hall but made do with some reasonably priced virgin olive oil for Mrs Sengupta and some organic biscuits which were close to their sell-by.

  School uniform staff were very efficient and advised me to buy slightly too large as Max will have grown a bit by September. As it turned out, even the smallest size was too big for him so he’ll need to do quite a bit of growing or the teachers will be lucky to find him under it all. Got quite teary when I saw him trying it all on - almost like a mother seeing her daughter in her wedding dress. He’s off into ‘the system’ and soon he won’t need me anymore. I’ll just be boring old Mum.

  Felt quite depressed by this so ended up taking him to the toy department and spending 35 quid on a stuffed dog. Added to the £450 spent on school uniform, PE kit and food delicacies, it had turned out to be quite a day.

  Took a while to get home as ‘Dog’ (it’s official) needed to pee at every lamppost. Max almost persuaded me to get off the tube at one point but I’m not that daft. I said he could wait until we got to Southfields.

  Think I may have sorted the situation.

  PM

  Ned thought I was raving mad spending that amount on a stuffed toy and, just as I was about to defend myself, Max called down saying that he could hear a dog crying outside again!

  Thursday 15th May

  Stuffed ‘Dog’ now seems to be a big hit. Max even took him to nursery and tonight was trouble free with no complaints about crying dogs.

  Think Ned was very impressed with my parenting skills and we had rather satisfying sex.

  Thanks Dog, 35 quid well spent, methinks!

  Friday 16th May

  Would you believe it? Woke up this morning to find a mangy looking mongrel kipping on our doorstep. Well, it’s definitely a bit worse for wear but, for a stray, surprisingly plump. He seemed delighted to be let in and fed some leftover MG meatloaf but not half as delighted as Max.

  “Oh, Mummy. I told you I could hear my dog. THIS is ‘Dog’ not the silly stuffed one!” and, with that, he chucked the expensive bribe aside and threw his arms around the smelly mutt’s neck.

  Ned smirked, but then decided to be the voice of reason. “Max, mate, we can’t keep him. His owner’s probably missing him. Tell you what, we’ll look after him for today and Mummy can call the local vets and places he might have been reported missing. OK? But he will have to go home.”

  Max was one step ahead though. “But Daddy. What if he doesn’t have a home? Can we keep him then?” At this point he was leaning on the real ‘Dog’s’ back and looking like he’d found the best friend in the world.

  This, coupled with the fact that he looked so cute in his stripy pyjamas - not to mention that Ned was already running late for a meeting - resulted in Ned relenting, “Perhaps - but only if no one claims him.”

  Took ages to get to nursery as Max insisted on walking and telling everyone he met along the way that he had a new dog called Dog!

  Took even longer to ring all the vets etc. to report his appe
arance on our doorstep.

  And longer still to pluck up the courage to ring Ned at work and tell him no one had reported a missing dog.

  Max made a very intelligent observation on the walk home. “Look Mummy. Dog does his wee-wees like a girlie dog.”

  Wonder if he has a future as a vet?

  Must remember to get Dog’s gender checked if he ends up staying with us.

  Saturday 17th May

  Managed to avoid getting dragged next door for a date with my future husband although Mrs Sengupta did call out, “Oh, Libbybeta, Pritesh has brought me wonderful new Dibeder player.” Worked out she meant DVD as she added, “I am very much thinking you would never go without electrical or battery operated goods if you made my Pritesh a happy man.”

  Pritesh gave me a saucy wink as he sauntered up the path with a box of cables. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t flattered by his crush (which I realise is partly fuelled by his mother) but I’m a very happily married woman so I am always careful not to give the wrong impression. Hope I managed a very English and frigid smile and not one that made me look like I had a bad case of wind.

  Off to Fenella & Josh’s tonight, so had lovely long walk on the common to wear Max and Dog out. Definitely a dog in need of exercise judging by the size of his girth. He does seem to be rather hungry too. Must worm him.

  Sunday 18th May AM

  Thankfully, Mum didn’t mind babysitting Max and Dog while we went to F&J’s last night. In fact, she became a bit misty eyed before we set off. “Oh, look at the pair of them snuggled up there. Poor Maxie, the little lamb. It’s just what he needs, being an only child and all.”

  Mum still can’t accept that not all women fall pregnant at the whiff of a bonk and can be quite insensitive at times. It’s not like she doesn’t know we’ve been trying for two years. Some women are blessed with only one child and maybe I’m one of those. Anyway, didn’t want her to upset my mood as I was looking forward to an evening with possible new friends and felt I was looking pretty glam, so I let her get away with her tactlessness.

  Had decided on my best jeans with a low cut sparkly kaftan type top and strappy sandals, as it was quite a warm evening. My hair did as it was told for once and Ned commented on how good I looked. It felt like a magical evening, which I know sounds a bit ‘Disney’, but it’s truly how I felt …. the promise of a new chapter in our lives.

  As it turns out the evening was great. Fenella and Josh are a lovely couple and so easy to get on with. Their house is, of course, gorgeous and they obviously have big money but they’re just so … well, normal, I guess. Fenella was entertaining and attentive - between feeding three cats and constantly ushering her two kids back to bed. They have Todd - who’s joining Max at Manor House - and a daughter, Charlotte, almost three.

  “Both IVF babies!” She volunteered as she swigged her Pinot Grigio and threw fresh Parmesan onto some rocket. “Sometimes nature needs a little helping hand. Of course, I accept it’s not for everyone but it seemed the right thing for us. Do you think you’ll have any more, Libby?”

  I’ve been known to get snappy with people when they ask, but it’s usually to do with the way it’s worded. I’ve even been asked (by ‘Nasty Marcia’, of course) if I chose to have only one baby. As if I’m past my sell-by-date already! (Which, at 39, I privately concede is quite possible). But the increasing openness of Fenella, and the feeling that this was the start of a real friendship, didn’t get my back up at all. I just answered, “No, I think it’s unlikely that we’ll have more. It would have been nice but maybe it’s a little late now and keeping one in private school will be enough for us, won’t it Ned?”

  Ned hadn’t heard a word of the girlie chat, as he was too busy ogling pictures of the boat Josh has moored on the Thames and knocking back the Claret. We really have hit the high life!

  Food was delicious, Josh charming and very humorous, Fenella the perfect British hostess until after the dessert wine when she regaled us with Broadway show tunes and fell off the breakfast bar.

  Laughed our way walking through the back streets until home.

  Had sex.

  All in all a pretty good night.

  Woke this morning with a raging hangover, Dog desperate for a wee and my ears ringing with the bleeping of a text message. Ned, buoyed by the alcohol-fuelled bonk, saw to Dog while I checked the mobile. Damn, just realised I forgot to bring up the subject of Max’s party! AGAIN. Add to new list.

  Text message read:

  I SO SOZ. 2 PISSED! DID I MAKE BIG FOOL OF SELF? WILL U EVER WANT 2 C US AGAIN? HOW ABOUT WALK AND LUNCH AT PUB 2DAY AT 2? LOVE FENELLA X

  Laughed so hard my hangover hurt even more - I like our new friends.

  PM

  Had great walk and lunch with F&J, kids and Dog.

  Apparently, Fenella’s a frustrated musical actress - who would have guessed? She’d love to join an am/dram but only has the confidence after a couple of crates of Dutch (or usually French) courage.

  It’s comforting to know that even affluent people with apparent confidence have their insecurities. She may sound like she was born with a kilo of plums in her mouth, but deep down she’s very much like me.

  Realise I have a lot to learn and shouldn’t be so quick to judge people. Who knows, there could even be more to Nasty Marcia than meets the eye?

  Monday 19th May

  Hate NM with a passion almost as great as that I feel for MG!

  She laughed at Dog and said he was “hardly the sort of specimen that would be allowed through the hallowed gates of Manor House.”

  Luckily, Max laughed and said he thought she was jealous.

  I didn’t see the funny side.

  Tuesday 20th May

  Dog held his little head (but still not his leg) high this morning as we walked to nursery.

  He looks a lot better after the shampoo’n’set we gave him last night. Ok, he needs to lose a little weight but he’s a fine dog and Max loves him.

  Met Fenella in the park for coffee. She’s such good fun to be with and I still giggle every time I relive the image of her shimmying her pink feather boa on the breakfast bar prior to the big fall.

  “Fuck, Libby. I can’t get over the price of the school uniform. I really resent it, you know. OK, so we want a decent education for our kids but we shouldn’t be expected to fork out that sort of money because they insist on top quality. What’s so bad about a cheap pair of polyester trousers that, if they don’t grow out of within a month, you can be damn sure they’ll have put their knee through? Sorry but Todd will be the growing boy with the ankle swinger trousers and corduroy patches on his knees. I spend money on decent clothes for out of school. I won’t throw good money away on uniform.”

  Funny that, I’d never dream of sending my son to school looking anything less than well turned out. Maybe the affluent have some strain of perverse frugality.

  Have invited F&J back to us this Saturday and don’t even feel like I need to make the house look better than it is. Feel very secure in our new friendship.

  Fenella won’t notice anyway. After a few bottles of the cheapest but most impressive looking plonk I can find, I’m hoping she’ll be entertaining us again and our homely but worn kitchen and threadbare rugs will be the last things on her mind!

  Broadway, here we come!

  Wednesday 21st May

  Still no one’s claimed Dog and we’re all, including Ned, becoming too fond of him.

  Just the sight of his little wet nose and waggy tail in the morning is enough to get anyone out of bed. And it’s really heart-warming to see Max so eager to walk to nursery and show him off.

  I think we may have a permanent new tenant.

  Thursday 22nd May

  Went downstairs this morning to find that Dog had given birth to six little balls of fluff under the kitchen table!

  Neither Ned nor I could actually speak but Max made up for it.

  “Oh Mummy, Daddy. WOW! He’s such a clever dog.”

  Seriously
doubt his career as a vet now.

  Too dumb-founded to write more and feeling too stupid - yes ‘he’ did wee like a girl!

  Friday 23rd May

  Dog’s an excellent and very protective mum. He (silly but I just can’t start calling him ‘she’, even knowing what we now know) has made a very comfortable abode under the kitchen table, by dragging bits of washing from the utility room to accommodate his brood. Dread to think which articles of clothing we may be missing but couldn’t possibly move the little family now - please God don’t let my silk Versace blouse (my only successful TK Maxx bargain ever!) be amongst it. That would just be too cruel - but excellent taste on Dog’s part!